Relational worries

God, give me hind’s ably precise feet to bring me to right relationship; to this end, I ask questions. I want to stand on what others have learned, as well as obey Christ, but also to learn on my own, and to not simply hold on to Biblical Principles, as well as to enjoy life and not fear mistakes so much that I don’t learn. (How much can be learned without them??) I don’t want to live based off my parent’s (or James Dobson’s) opinions. I don’t want passively let media permeate me. I don’t want to live off just my own reasoning, but as long as the latter is informed by biblical principles which can be applied, and solidly reasoned, I am learning about them.

1. A comment. A well-known (deceased) lover of souls kept his secret under wraps his whole life for the sake of ministry: he was a celibate gay. I am immensely impressed at his willingness to live with the chronic pain: each time a relationship got close to the (emotional, spiritual, intellectual) intimacy he – as does every human being – craved (was made to have, needed), he drew back for fear where it would go. He had to draw back to be obedient, to keep from sinning by consummating the relationship. This is the reverse of what relationship is like: you go into it and you are supposed to go deeper. ! Imagine what it was like for him: too close to a female, and she could fall in love with him; outcome impossible due to his orientation. Too close to a male, and either one or both might fall in love with the other: outcome impossible due to his obedience. He instead chose to embraced pain, pain of loneliness, rejection, anxiety.

Here’s my thought: he, by birth-not-by-choice-gay, is not the only one with that dilemma. It sheds light on my “relating.” I want to be close to people, to one person; with any guy, however much I like him, however whatever else, we can’t be just friends, weren’t made to. But there, the cure is restricted. With a girl, you don’t anticipate that kind of satisfying relationship (even minus the physical), and if you experience it, you’re labeled or you are lesbian. I’m trying to say that either way, being a sexual being gets in the way of having a deeply satisfying relationship. Or maybe I mean, being a broken sexual being; I can hardly picture “whole”. The cure to hellish human loneliness is this thing called intimacy. Intimacy involves another; relating to another makes me a subject TO another subject, thereby giving me identity: it makes me myself. What is this sexuality that gets in the way, this thing that is simultaneously restriction on intimacy, and the channel for intimacy?

2. A Piper sermon I just skimmed said we’re “called not to engage in a sexual relationship outside of marriage.” I want to (am no-where near done) systematically note if there's support in Bible ideology (note: am NOT looking for references) for this. (a) I know “no adultery” is a commandment, in other words, do not engage in a second sexual relationship. (b) does “sexual” include …kissing…making out…foreplay…non-physical elements as well… (c) aren’t most ‘romantic’ relationships inherently ‘sexual’ relationships; does this speak as harshly as it sounds like it does to the sexual relationship assumed in dating? Key word, assumed; maybe natural is another one. Is the conclusion, then, that I am not to engage myself in these? To the extent off laying off exhilaration of doing, even thinking, anything sexual with the boyfriend, avoiding FUN flings, forsaking delightful fantasies, cuddling with a guy friend even though it’s not going any further, thinking of what I sexually am, need, deserve? If romantic relationships ARE sexual, ? Am I to be unsatisfied, and to not satisfy another? What does it mean to walk the straight and narrow here, and to walk it not in my own strength or of my own initiative, but in faith…? If I were to go along with this, I’d have to avoid sex (as I find it around me) a whole lot more scrupulously. I don’t see myself ending up happier, just more aloof and ignorant, counter-cultural, ... not in or of the world.

I'm no advocate of WWJD. But whatever did Jesus do??

Conclusion: Bonhoeffer. "The response of the disciples is an act of obedience, not a confession of faith in Jesus." -- "Christianity without the living Christ is inevitably Christianity without discipleship, and Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ. It remains an abstract idea, a myth." !!!

His disciples, "Christ has delivered them from the immediacy with the world, and brought them into immediacy with himself." -- "He is the mediator, not only between God and man, but between man and man, between man and reality." -- "Since his coming man has no immediate relationship of his own any more to anything, neither to God nor to the world; -- Of course, there are plenty of gods who offer men direct access, and the world naturally uses every means in its power to retain its direct hold on men" -- "Christ wants to be the mediator."

THAT satisfies me.